February 2007 Archives

While your beloved minister of Defense was smoozing Kevin Costner at the NASCAR event last Sunday, the "One Man Wrecking Ball" known to most as the Member of the Month was doing what he does best. Getting EXTREME!

The Self-Proclaimed leader of the OAS was in the Sierras, high above beautiful Fresno charging through fresh powder. Unfortunately no other ministers were with me for this adventure, so I’ll share a few choice pictures of this particular outdoor adventure.

However, I regret to say that the reason I was not present for Jordan’s
homecoming was due to my getting extreme. I apologize for not being there to see Jordan, but I’ll never apologize for being Extreme.

 

 

 

Thanks to the lovely Simone Gonzalez I spent last Sunday at the beautiful California Speedway watching the Auto Club 500 NASCAR race.  It brought me back to my redneck/skateboarder days in Chico going to the sprint car races at the Silver Dollar Fair, but this was the big leagues.  Not only was this redneckness of a magnitude I never though possible, but my own circumstances of attendence had been stepped up as well.  You see, I watched no less than half a dozen laps of the race while explaining the finer points of shooting a laser from a plane to the The Postman himself, a.k.a. Kevin Costner, in his private box after he stood on the platform and started the race with the traditional "Gentlemen, start your engines."  Real deem.

Standing on the track, where minutes later cars would race by at, I don't know, like 400mph.

"Acting" as the anouncer at a NASCAR race on the same day as the Oscars, Mr. Kevin Coster.  Apparently The Guardian was not nominated.

Here is me, looking, as usual, like an incredible shitbag.  Behind me is the Jim Beam car driven by the one and only Robby Gordon.  Thanks to our pit passes we were able to walk through the different pits and check out the cars up close before the race.  Those cars are pretty fuckin' badass.

The man I came to see.  Unfortunately he had to pull out of the race at lap 69 due to engine problems.  It broke my heart, but I could still feel The Intimidator smiling down from heaven.

This Saturday, thanks again to Mr. Geoffrey Andrew Fricker, IV, some of us are will be rooting for the Clippers just down the way from my place at Staples Center.  Pictures to come, no thanks to Dane.

-Boomann-

P.S.- Aside from John and Josh, I HAVE THE MOST EXCITING LIFE OF THE GROUP!!!

March 1st begins MLB Spring Training, which means the regular season is just around the corner.  As many of you know, when I am not living, breathing, drinking IFS, I am bleeding Cubbie Blue. From an insider's standpoint, there hasn't been this much anticipation for a season since '03 when Dusty Baker was hired as manager.  That year, the Cubs came to within five outs from their first World Series since 1945.
 

This year, with the acquisitions of superstar Alfonzo Soriano and manager Lou Pinella, the anticipation has reached it's zenith.  In the past, the Tribune Company, the owners of the Cubs, never shelled out the money to sign the big names on the free-agent market.  This off-season, however, the Tribune Company  has been making Steinbrenner look like a fucking hobo with over $300 million in new contracts.  The Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908.  Wishful thinking hasn't worked for the past 98 years.  This year we party like it's 99!

Nova is buying a cubs hat tomorrow.  Anyone else feel like coming aboard??

love letters

ps.  Harry Carry loved Budweiser sooooo much.  He was often under it's influence while broadcasting.  We owe it to him. Cheers!

Dear Ministers and Friends,
I have recently come across some half-price Los Angeles Clippers tickets for their game this coming Saturday against the Indiana Pacers. The game is at the Staples Center at 7:30pm and the tickets are 18 dollars.

I’m doing my best to secure as many tickets as possible. If you are interested in attending let me know and I’ll reserve a ticket for you. But act fast, I’m not sure how many tickets I can get and I’m going to try and reserve them today or tomorrow.

What’s the spread on this game? Might be worth a look. Make a bet, and then protect your investment with beer drinking and loud cheering. Like Brothers. Cheers!

Fricker

Jordan arrives in L.A.L.A. land today in preparation for his pharmacy school interview tomorrow at Western University of Health Sciences in Pomona. His night will be spent going over his notes and research one last time before the big day. I spoke with our future pharmacist the other day and he sounded resoundingly confident like only an IFS man could be. This is the last step on his journey towards starting his life career; something that none of us can even contemplate right now. Some of us work in retail, some test video games, some wait tables, some take orders from Johnny, some work at complicated and boring consulting firms checking this site every 20 minutes, and others play with lasers, fingering holes in the ground, or better yet, dead fish. What I am trying to say is that while most of us are doing what it takes to get by, Jordan is pursuing his dream of becoming a pharmacist, and tomorrow will put him one step closer to achieving that goal (and hooking us up with free prescription drugs to wash back with Adolphus).

 

Point to this Post (I'm getting to it, see below):

Jordan's interview process begins sometime in the early AM around 8, so say a prayer or give Reverend Casanova a call to speak indirectly to the GOD. The interview process will conclude at around 2pm at the latest, at which time we come to a fork in the road and the point of this post. Following his interview, Jordan will be coming up to SB to celebrate nailing his interview. Now the kicker: if the lovely Vuk will not be able to come up to Santa Barbara with Jordan, then he will need another means of transportation. Now, last weekend at the Laser Party, which all Mesa House members attended (minus Dane with his camera), there was some mumbling and grumbling about coming up to SB on Saturday, which quite frankly is bullshit. Jordan is flying out here and will only be able to party for one night. He chose Santa Barbara and his second home:

-Photos by Mike Towers, copies available

If you L.A. Nancie's are too limp-wristed to make the hour and a half drive to come hang out with Jordan in SB for his only night out, then you're about as good as Baez, dead to me.

 

If you're not dead to me and the thought of hanging out with Jordan and friends brings images like this one to mind,

                        

then pick up Jordan and come bring da heat.

     -Minister of Athletics and Coordination

Happy National Pancake Day! or Fat Tuesday...all I know is that we lived up to the expectations of both titles here at the founding of our beloved organization:

Flapjacks and an Adolphus followed by a strong round of bowling and beyond (9-4-1)...goodnight.

oh...Bernie was in attendance.

MOW

BOGOTA, Colombia (Reuters) -- Two clowns were shot and killed by an unidentified gunman during their performance at a traveling circus in the eastern Colombian town of Cucuta, police said Wednesday.
Full article
The only question which remains,  is how Bernie Baggs was able to fly to Colombia, kill two clowns and be back in Santa Barbara to host his radio program? Puzzling.

Here is an average day in the life of Scott Baumann, laser extraordinaire (in training):

First, fly across the country and use satellites and computers to find the laser hole.

Then, after using satellites and computers to find it, reach through ice and water to finger the laser hole.

After the laser hole and been thoroughly fingered, go directly to Anchor Bar in Buffalo, NY, the place where Teressa Bellissimo invented Buffalo wings in 1964.

Finally, eat as many wings as you can.  These are quite simply the best wings your humble Minister of Not Writing the Defense Report has ever seen and/or eaten.  They were huge and tender and perfectly fried.  The bleu cheese was so creamy and tangy that I thought for a moment I was giving Mark a blow-job.  The celery and carrots were pretty much the same as they are anywhere else.  Oh, and to boot, we also had pitchers of McSorley's beer, which is beer that is brewed for and by McSorley's Old Ale House, the oldest and most bad ass bar in all of New York City.  Jordan will confirm this for me.  They have a $2 cheese and raw onion plate that is to cheese plates what Anchor Bar wings are to wings.

Living the dream.  Sorry about your face.

-Boomann-

P.S.-  Thank you Fricker for getting me this job.

Happy National Pancake Day!  Hope you had a pleasant Shrove Tuesday, we did:

We'll see you at IHOP next year for free shitty pancakes and not free Buds!  Bye Bye.

-Rousing

Happy National Pancake Day!  I encourage all of you to frequent your local IHOP and treat yourself to a free shortstack.  Though the flapjacks are complimentary, donations are encouraged.  All donations received will benefit the Children's Miracle Network.  Please, think of the children!

Love Letters

here's a picture of some guy at an IHOP.

This was too large to put in the comment space following The Defense Report.  It's an email from josh that I thought was received by all, but apparently there are still those who are unaware of his whereabouts.  "It is the Jew.  They have shifted their shapes.  Quick!  Throw money at them!"  -Borat

Hola All,

For those of you I have been out of contact with for a while, I have just moved to an island called Bocas del Toro off the Caribbean coast of Panama. I just wanted to see what everyone was up to and let you all know I´m alive.

Things here in Bocas are going very well.  The school has met my highest expectations and I am real happy with my progress so far.  I have class for four hours each day and study on my own around two to three hours at my house.  My vocabulary is increasing quickly but my speaking skills could use a lot of improvement.  It gets frustrating sometimes but I maintain a positive attitude.

My home stay is working out really smoothly as well.  I´m am so glad I opted for living with a local family instead of staying in the school dorm.  The dorm has nice amenities but the student population there is pretty interested in partying and I often find the dorm students speaking predominantly English amongst themselves when outside of class.

The water here is amazing, the temperature is perfect (around 78 degrees Fahrenheit) and the waves have great form.  There has been a bit of a lull in swell here over the last two weeks but the smaller waves have given me the opportunity to get used to surfing over the sharp reef, so when the bigger swells come I will be comfortable.

The local population in Bocas is pretty friendly, and I´m getting to know quite a few people around town.  The tourist population is huge here and you can hear all sorts of languages as you walk down the street.  There are lots of Brazilians, Dutch, Canadians, Swiss, and Americans.  It feels like I am here at a very dynamic time for Bocas; tourism completely fuels the economy and because of this the cost of living has gone up considerably in comparison to the average local person´s income.  The minimum wage is only $1.30 an hour and most restaurants charge around $7.00 for lunch, the markets are expensive as well so buying meet or fresh produce to prepare at home can be costly on a tight budget. You would think there would be a special market or part of town where the locals could shop for lower rates, but there isn´t, I shop side by side with all my local neighbors. Local people are definitely poor by American standards, but there are no beggars in the streets and crime is almost non existent.  Everyone leaves their doors unlocked and you feel safe everywhere you go.  Unfortunately I expect that in the next five years this will change as more and more people find out about this place and more and more land is bought up by gringos.  As the variance in socioeconomic level of population grows and high class resorts begin to spring up, I expect the local population will become more aware of their relative poverty and discontent is bound to result.  In five years I bet this island will be completely different, so I´m really gland I could be here wile its so cool.   

As for my personal finances, I frequent the two favorite local restaurants (Don Chico and Restorante Chitre) for lunch and have been living off coconut rice, beans, chicken, and occasionally pork stew. Its simple food but I like it and it is $2.00 a plate.  I only go out at night on Fridays after the weekly Panamanian cooking class at school, so I don´t spend much money partying.  My biggest expense is paying for water taxis, which I have to catch to get to the different surf breaks around the island.  As my Spanish improves over the next two weeks, I plan to start looking for work.

I hope to get my deep water diving certification in the next month as well. One of the teachers at my school is married to the owner of the best local dive program and she offered to train me and give me free dives if I would become their sales rep to all the hostels.  I went to their dive center on Bastimentos island (only a 5 min boat ride away) to discuss her offer yesterday and was almost malled by two guard dogs in the process. Bastimentos is alot less developed than Bocas, there are no roads and it is covered in tropical jungle; as I was making my way to where I thought the dive place was I happened on to the property of a crazy American expat from Cincinnati, who came out of his house when he heard his dogs go nuts in reaction to my presents. He freaked out and screamed at me to get the fuck off his property,  then he abruptly changed his tone, inquired about purchasing pot from me, and then tried to sell me a some beach front land on the island.  The whole time he was wielding a big wooden paddle he used to jab at the angry dogs.  Thankfully I got out of there unscathed. As for the sales rep job, I´m thinking about it but I don´t know if I want to be running around trying to amp travelers up on buying dive packages.

Well hope all is well, my Panamanian cell number is 645 332 96.

Hope to here from you soon.
Josh

IFS

Defense Report

Quarter 1, 2007

This report is a current update detailing the individual efforts and contributions of each minister. This is the Defense Report as seen by MOM and Rousing. If you feel something has been left out, feel free to comment. The list is ordered based on posts and comments, but notable contributions were made independent of the website and hopefully each action was given due credit.

Media and Technology-
continues to maintain the website, while making entertaining and relevant posts. He has also updated the website and the IFS Gmail account to be as monkey friendly as possible. He has also provided us with dozens of striking, haunting photographs.
Posts:  14
Comments: 24

Wardrobe-
won the “Fill in the Caption” contest. He also helped host strong New Year’s and Super Bowl parties. He has also maintained courage in the face of adversity as the only homosexual member of IFS.
Posts:  4
Comments: 15

MOM-
won member of the month at the last meeting, where he revealed plans for Chico, The River Wild. He also introduced the “Fill in the Caption” contest. Recently he helped host the Laser Party and has picked up the slack on the Defense Report.
Posts:  3
Comments: 16

Trade-
has made strong electronic contributions to the website despite being physically removed. He will also be making time to visit his friends during his brief West Coast visit this coming weekend.
Posts:  3
Comments: 7

Athletics-
has continues to inspire all members of IFS through athletic feats such as training for a marathon and being thrown in a shower and having it turned on. He also helped host strong New Year’s and Super Bowl parties, proving himself as a leader at the Mesa House.
Posts:  2
Comments: 16

Rousing -
has brightened the future of IFS by introducing his younger, more talented, taller brother to the organization. He also finished the Arnold Megamix. Recently he helped host the Laser Party and has picked up the slack on the Defense Report.
Posts:  1
Comments: 15

Letters-
made particularly strong appearances at both New Years and the Laser Party, bringing Laser related gear to the latter. He also helped host strong New Year’s and Super Bowl parties.
Posts:  1
Comments: 8

Revelry and Spirits-
While abroad in Germany, he has maintained an active digital presence. He continues to extend the gracious invitation of German lodgings for any IFS monkey.
Posts:  1
Comments: 2

Competition-
is the newest member of IFS and he has set a high standard of enthusiasm for all members of the organization. He made an exceptionally strong showing on Super Bowl Sunday, Go Bears/Colts/Guacamole. Recently he helped host the Laser Party and is actively planning for Chico, The River Wild.
Posts:  1
Comments: 1

International Affairs-
he has not let his budding marriage hinder his commitment to IFS. He has also appeared on national television. (Fame Jam)
Posts:  1
Comments: 1

Defense- 
he has had a really full plate, forgetting the Continental Breakfast award, leaving the Laser Party early, and doing nothing in terms of a Defense Report. He has however shown a great commitment by driving through the night and across the state to reach the last meeting. He has also traveled around the country shooting lasers.
Posts:  0
Comments: 6

Philanthropy-
he has been attending CSU San Marcos studying Political Science and working. He has managed to make time for Super Bowl and Leisure’s farewell party. He has continued to threaten MOA with his athletic prowess on the basketball court and dance floor.
Posts:  0
Comments: 4

Design-
has contributed a permanent IFS fixture in the Turnpike IHOP birthplace. He has also been ordained a true Minister. He also organized the “help” for the Super Bowl Party, once again. he also graced the Franklin St. House with a great housewarming monkey statue. He has hosted New Year’s, Super Bowl and has made strong showings at all events he’s been involved in.
Posts:  0
Comments: 2

Auditory-
has been busy attending Hastings Law school, while finding the time to finish the Arnold Megamix. He also drove solo from SF to Santa Barbara for the last meeting.
Posts:  0
Comments: 0

 Leisure-
has been learning Spanish in Panama, other than that contact has been limited. Any information on his whereabouts and wellbeing would be appreciated. My best guess would be Josh is eating well, loving well and drinking better. He also hosted a playoff football party in Irvine, where he prepared jambalaya, gumbo, hurricane cocktails, and 10 pounds of crawfish.
Posts:  0
Comments: 0

Photography-
has been busy pouring wine on Sterns Wharf. He has been so busy in fact, he still haven’t posted a single picture. He has however hosted numerous parties and made a strong showing for the “Drinking Horse” competition.
Posts:  0
Comments: 0

Maritime Affairs-
Jimmy has been busy fingering fish in Orange County. He made it to the last meeting.
Posts:  0
Comments: 0

Younger + Taller (guest)-
has hosted a Del Playa party for the members of IFS. He also shared a detailed and intimate story with the group, bringing him closer to anyone who was there. He has made strong showings for Super Bowl meeting and the Laser Party.
Posts: 0
Comments: 1

Hitman (guest)-
hase attended New Years and Strauss’ farewell party. He also posted one comment, which held true.
Posts: 0
Comments 1

Finance-
Winkleman has turned his back on IFS.
Posts:  0
Comments: 0

 

2007, yet still in its infancy, has already brought a plethora of "firsts" to our prestigious organization.  International Affairs is to be hitched and become a United States citizen, Athletics will be the first to complete a full marathon, Design is the first to become an ordained minister in the state of California, Rousing was kind enough to host our first annual laser party, Competition became our first, and most likely our only addition to the I.F.S. family, and I'm praying that Photo comes through with a post showing that there really are pictures in existence documenting our accomplishments of 2006.  With that being said, I am also setting out to do something that no member has done before.  In the fall of this year, I am attempting to move back to California to earn my doctor of pharmacy degree, which would make me the first I.F.S. doctor.  My applications were turned in way back in October and since then I have been anxiously awaiting letters from schools requesting an interview for their program.  I've applied to 3 schools, all in California, and I was granted my first opportunity to interview just last week at Western University of Health Sciences in Pomona.  I'm flying out this Friday (Feb. 23) and my interview is Saturday, the 24th.  The whole day begins at 7:15 and runs until approximately 1:30 in the afternoon.  After the interview, I will be notified whether or not I was accepted within 3 weeks.  From the interview I will be travelling to Lindsay's house in Huntington Beach and am going to be there no later than about 3.  I'm planning on getting rowdy Saturday night in Santa Barbara to celebrate and was hoping to see as many of you as possible.  I'm flying back to Hershey on Monday morning, so unfortunately, Saturday night is all I can muster...  so let's bring the fuckin heat.    I would also like to propose that if I do indeed get accepted to pharmacy school for the fall, I retire from my position as the Minister of Trade and Sports Gambling and move forward with my new role as Minister of Health.  All in favor say, Aylalalalalala.  All who oppose say, I'm a huge gay.  I'm excited at my first chance to interview for pharmacy school, but most of all, I'm excited to see all my brothers who .... come fall of this year, will once again be within driving distance.

-The Artist Soon to be Formerly Known as Trade

Good Ministers and Rabbi,

It is none other than the Ministers of Member of the Month, Competitive Spirit and Rousing that would like to wish you a "Happy Laser!" this Saturday night (the 17th).  We will be hosting a Happy Laser party that will feature laser themed decor, laser themed music, and of course, laser themed drinks.  Once we've all had our fill of Laser, we will all venture to a lovely local dive called "Del's Saloon" - blocks away from our home, right next to the Smart and Final.  Afterward, we can head home for some late night Laser and pass out.

Exhausted from too much Lasering, we'll need something the next morning to ease the pain.  And after careful thought, we've come up with the remedy - Mrs. Knott's fried chicken.  Yes, Sunday morning after our Happy Laser party, we will be driving to Knott's Berry Farm, but we won't be going inside.  Rather, we will be eating all the fried chicken we can stomach at the Mrs. Knott's Sunday Brunch Buffet - located at the park's entrance.

I, the Minister of Rousing, know a thing or two about buffets, as I've visited restaurants of the all-you-can-eat persuasion around the world: Irvine, Garden Grove, San Diego, Newport Beach, Santa Ana, Anaheim, Ventura (Super Panda, wham), Santa Barbara, San Francisco, Seattle, Reno, Lake Tahoe, Las Vegas, Orlando, London, Ibiza, Madrid, Rome, Heidelberg, Berlin, Singapore, and of course, Buena Park.  With that said, I am telling you that the Mrs. Knott's Sunday Brunch Buffet is one of the best I've ever had.

 

Ministers and Rabbi, this won't be a HAPPY Laser party without all of you here.  So we sincerely hope that you all can make it.  For more information, post a question or call one of your Santa Monican Ministers.  We hope to Laser with you all this Saturday!  Good Laser,

The Minister of Rousing

P.S. The man in the picture above is David Gray, singer of such hits as "Babylon" and "This Year's Love."  Last night I hung out with Guest Member Younger / Taller at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and as I was leaving I was stopped by a bellman who said, "Mr. Gray?"  I gave him a blank stare and he said, "David Gray, right?"  Amanda laughed and said, "No, no, he's not."  Then we went back home, she showed me his picture on the internet, and I went to sleep. Unintentional insult jam. 

The audio doesn't match up, but the pride is ever ringing...note the sweet high five between Bunchy and Nova

Yesterday February 11, 2007 two intrepid members of the International Flapjack Society set off from Franklin Street in Santa Monica and rode their bicycles along the coast south to Manhattan Beach for delicious Mexican food. The brave duo ate well and then quickly pointed their bikes north for the return voyage, a total of 34 miles was logged on their trip. Along their trip the bold duo saw many interesting things including grown men swinging like monkeys from tree to tree, a gay roller-skate dance party, a gigantic hippy drum circle, punk wheelie boarding kids jumping staircases, and an intercollegiate sail boat race.

The duo returned home, happy to complete another mission in the name of the Outdoor Adventure Squad. Well done team.

One only has to look at the growth of Anheuser-Busch's beer selection in the last ten years to see how our world is changing.  Ride the Long Tail.

Or you can check out Bud.tv, it's the way of the future - a future filled with registration forms and digital ladies.

I couldn't pass up this bit of Santa Barbara news after being up there this weekend.  The Santa Barbara News Press has a bit of an internal struggle going on, as the employees voted to unionize several months ago, and the owner, Wendy McCaw refuses to accept the new employee conditions or enter into negotiations.  Mass layoffs have occurred in the past few months, as staged pickets and sign holders have included current employees, who have been layed off as well.  Now's the time to support these freedom writers, or get a job working for the SB News Press, however you feel inclined.

I hope you held on to this Towers...

Good weekend all around.  Especially sweet for myself, regardless of the fact I may have gotten "too drunk" on Sunday, because now I can make posts like this one and share my wit with all of yous guys.  So...I have taken the liberty of posting some of the highlights from the weekend:

Sigma Noodle Jam- The Godfather busting out the wall stall in the hall...y'all.
Beer on Esteban's face- I still think he should have gotten the CB award.
Meeting- MOM claiming the MOM, congrats to Mr. Fricker.
Meeting- IFS chico, here we come tubing and chico state freshmen.
Basketball- See picture below, yours truly taking it to the hole vs. mark Schroeder.
Saturday night pass out- Ok, this is a point of contention, I know it was kind of a week showing, However I was thankful yesterday (Monday) when I was only moderately slow-moving and brain-dead as opposed to totally fucked.
Sunday- Drinking horse, officiated by the beer warden, nice job MOM.
Super bowl- Complete blackout for me, should come as a surprise to no one...and yes I even have to give it to Baumann who was all but invisible this weekend except for when he spray-jammed me with the guac.  Well done.

Well that's it brothers.  I know I missed some, feel free to add.  Looking forward to the next one.

-Minister of Competition and Guacamole-