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Dearest Ministers,

I regret to inform you all that yesterday afternoon I discovered a large crack and subsequent leak in the habitat of Louie and Nacho Frank.  After a long clean up and discussion, it has been decided to let the beloved IFS turtles run free.  Currently they reside in an ice chest in the Franklin house living room.

The plan is to take our beloved pets to Echo Park Lake tonight and set them free to live the rest of their days in a veritable paradise.  For those worried about setting pets into a semi-natural environment, and ruining a natural setting, don't worry.  As you can see in the attached photo Echo Park lake is enclosed by city streets and greater Los Angeles.  The turtles aren't going anywhere.  In addition to their new larger, more exciting retirement home the turtles will be getting much more UV radiation which they desperately need, and cannot receive in our sheltered apartment.  We have witnessed a number of larger healthy Red-Eared Slider turtles in and around the lake, which indicates the lake can either nurture the turtles to grow to a large size or at least sustain their normal size.
Although we are sad to see our reptilian friends go, we know this is probably the best thing for them.  The residents of the Franklin residence are also growing a little tired of the time and financial burden the little crap-factories have placed on their owners, however we wanted to give anyone the opportunity to adopt Louie and Nacho Frank.  We have everything they need except a tank.  If anyone wants to come forward and adopt the little guys "speak now or forever hold your peace".
If not, we will be making a ceremonial journey to Echo Park tonight to set them free in their own urban lake paradise.  Afterwards we will be eating some Tacos from a trailer in their memory just down the road in Echo Park.  If anyone is interested in adopting or joining in the goodbye let me know before Thursday night.

I love you all. 

Technical Details:

Part of my job as the Director of Quality Control is to process GPS points collected in the field to check the Aerial Laser Survey data.  The Field Operations Specialist (Defense) mounts a survey grade GPS antenna on a vehicle, measures the antenna height and drives around the project area.  The resulting data is processed to a very high degree of accuracy (2-4cm) and compared with the Laser points collected in the aircraft to make sure they are accurate.  When the accuracy of the points is good, these charts show them in green.

Just imagine my satisfaction when i checked these GPS points and found they were all of very high quality and in the shape of a cock and balls.  I can just imagine the smile on Defense's face as he charted his path through the central valley, thinking of me in the office, sitting in my cubicle, processing GPS points, taking screen shots and making IFS posts.  Meanwhile the heavy pelican case for the GPS equipment sits atop the shattered sacred documents. A giant green shlong and a job well done sir.  The client will be pleased.

At 5:55pm today I discovered our beloved Arnold the Red-Eared Slider Turtle had expired.  He is survived by Louie and a few goldfish.  He died of natural causes and appeared peaceful, it was a good death.  Arnold will be remembered for his ability to eat multiple goldfish in one sitting, absorbing sun rays on Monkey Rock, and swimming incessantly into the tank glass.  Upon viewing this post, please take a moment from your busy day to remember Arnold and send a prayer his way in Turtle Heaven.  He willed sole possession of Monkey Rock to Louie.  Rest in Peace old boy.

Ministers, it's time.  It's time to transform an exciting idea into a harrowing reality.  On October 27th, we will unite to become the MANY ROLES OF KURT RUSSELL.  Most of you know about this concept, and hopefully you are excited to be a part of it.  For those of you who are out of the Russell-loop (Shwayne), here's a few reasons why we will soon be uniting to become the MANY ROLES OF KURT RUSSELL:

1) Kurt is HANDSOME

2) Kurt is STRONG:

3) Kurt is NICE:

So, now that you know the WHO (KURT RUSSELL) and the WHY (ABOVE), here's the WHEN, the WHAT/WHERE and the HOW:

WHEN: October 27, 2007.  The Saturday evening before Halloween.
WHAT/WHERE: Halloween Party at Amanda's home in Los Feliz.  Call me for directions.
HOW:
1) Choose one of Kurt Russell's roles (some costume suggestions included as well): Stargate (buzz cut, army fatigues), Tombstone (strong mustache), Backdraft, Escape from New York (eye patch), Escape from LA (eye patch, surf board), Soldier, Captain Ron (hawaiin shirt, speedo), Breakdown, Poseidon (tuxedo, step in the shower), Big Trouble in Little China, 3,000 Miles to Graceland (Elvis costume and machine gun), Miracle, Death Proof, and many more - full listing and pictures here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000621/. 
2) This has to be an organized process, otherwise, we'd have 8 Captain Rons showing up to the party.  So, when you have selected your Kurt Russell role, please comment on this post with your name and your desired role.  This will be a first come, first serve basis; if someone has picked Captain Ron, then you CANNOT be Captain Ron.  Maybe you can be Stargate or Vanilla Sky instead.
3) Create your costume and wear it to the party.   All costumes will require strong hair (some of you have this, some of us will need wigs - modified mullet wigs should work).
4) Take pictures with the other Kurt Russells at the party.  These pictures will be very strong.

The more Kurt Russells, the better, so I hope that all of you can make it.  Please comment with your picks, and with any questions that you may have.  Hope to see you all there.

- Rousing

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As long as I live, I will never forget that day 21 years ago when I raised my hand and took the oath of citizenship. Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around with an American flag around my shoulders all day long.
                                                                                                        -Arnold Schwarzenegger 

Here’s a poignant image from this years running. That sort of looks like a short haired Nova narrowly escaping a skewering on the right. Can we get an international post from our European branch?

Outdoor Adventure Squad Update
It’s been a little while since the last OAS update, but I’ve been planning our next mission for a little while now. This afternoon four brave adventurers will travel southward to begin filming on my new project, “The Tacumentary”. The Tacumentary will be a bilingual exploration of Mexican cuisine and a sampling of Mexican waves. This surf/taco film will be sure to impress. We will be armed with surfboards, language skills, and stomachs hungry for a variety of Tacos. Stay tuned.

Viva Flapjacks! Viva OAS!

Remember in that movie Happy Gilmore when there's the alligator down in the swamp in Florida and it mauls the club pro "Chubs", and bites off his hand.  Well it happened for real, and the alligator had only one eye.  Coincidence, no way Jose.

Venice, Florida

(AP) -- A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said.

Bruce Burger, 50, was trying to retrieve his ball Monday from a pond on the sixth hole at the Lake Venice Golf Club.

The alligator latched on to Burger's right forearm and pulled him in the pond, said Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission.

Burger used his left arm to beat the reptile until it freed him.

It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches, Morse said.

The pond at the sixth hole has a "Beware of Alligator" sign.

Just a reminder to all ministers...  "Chico the River Wild" is just a month away.  We are still planning on taking our next meeting on the road for Memorial Day weekend. Reservations have been made at the finest hotel Chico has to offer and reservations have been made at the world famous Sierra Nevada Brewery.  Be sure to pack a swimsuit, a bowling shirt, a healthy appetite, and a thirst for microbrew because you'll use them all. 

The exact dates are May 25th-May 28th.  A large passenger van will be rented and depart Los Angeles Friday night to return Monday evening for all Southern California ministers.  I'm posting this a month in advance to remind all ministers to get off work, turn in your homework early or pacify your girlfriend.  Mark your calendars!  This will be a great journey and I expect all ministers within a thousand miles to be there.  Mahalo.